Hello, Detroit.
What a pleasure to be here.
Ladies and gentlemen, we in the exciting field
of dental supply sales
are here in the Motor City for a reason...
to provide quality, precision tools
to professionals
who demand the very best.
Thank you.
Whoa-ho-ho, thank you very much.
Please be seated.
Oh.
I was just going over my speech.
You've been going over it for two weeks.
Honey, you know your speech. I know your speech.
- The kids know it. - It's a big one, Susan.
It's a speech for every sales rep in the Northeast United States.
It is a big one.
You've done very well for yourself, Andy Fiddler.
Now get dressed. Your plane leaves at 7:00.
You know, Detroit's quite a sports town, honey.
Maybe I'll bring you back a Piston.
Do me a favor. Just bring yourself back.
Detroit ain't Wisconsin.
# One, two, three, four #
# I... yeah, yeah #
# Rah rah rah rah #
# I... yeah, yeah #
# I just want to celebrate another day of living #
# I just want to celebrate #
# Another day of life #
# Put my faith in the people #
# But the people let me down #
# So I turn the other way and I carry on anyhow #
# That's why I'm telling you I just wanna celebrate #
# Yeah, yeah, another day of living #
# Yeah, I just want to celebrate #
# Another day of life #
# Had my hand on a dollar bill #
# And the dollar bill blew away #
# But the sun is shining down on me, and it's here to stay #
# That's why I'm telling you I just want to celebrate #
# Yeah, yeah, another day of living #
# Yeah, I just want to celebrate... #
- Dude! Hold up! - # Another day of living #
# I just want to celebrate #
# Another day of life #
# Don't let it all get you down, no no... #
60 AR-15s,
30 M-4s, 6,000 rounds of 5-5-6 ammunition
and three dozen M-16s, all of it stolen from the vault
in this building.
But that's not why I rolled you out of bed at 5:00 a.m., Agent Vann.
You wanna tell me how your partner winds up a speed bump
on the 94 Freeway? I'll tell you how.
Your partner was the inside man on the job.
Once they had the guns, he became a loose end.
I'm gonna tell you something else,
something I've learned in 20 years with Internal Affairs...
if a cop's dirty, nine times out of 10, his partner's dirty too.
Wouldn't surprise me if you were the one who popped him.
You got a bug up your ass about me?
Well, let's get it out right now, right here, you and me.
No, huh?
So step off, stop wasting my time.
You don't seem too upset about your partner.
You want to charge me with not being upset, go right ahead. Be my guest.
Hell, I'll write a full confession about how I don't give a shit.
If he was dirty, he got what he deserved.
I'm not finished with you.
Well, I'm finished with you, and let me tell you
what I learned in all my years on the job...
Don't trust anyone.
That includes partners
and especially Internal Affairs skid marks.
I'll be seeing you, Vann.
I tried to keep I.A. Off your back.
Booty. Mmm, don't get into this.
I'm already into this.
You know those weapons will be out of the city within 24 hours.
Yeah, well, you can't set up a buy in 24 hours.
- Watch me. - Vann, nothing stupid.
Yes, Lieutenant.
Bye-bye, enjoy your stay. Bye, hope you had a nice flight.
I had a wonderful flight, and I'm wondering if you can do me a favor.
I was talking to one of the stewardesses back there,
and we were discussing tongue scrapers. I found one in my bag.
I'm wondering if you can pass this along.
- I'm a dental supply salesman. - Yes, I will.
Sir, you might have to step aside.
Just tell her it's daily tongue-scraping
and anti-bacterial conditioning
which will assure her the freshest breath.
See this right here?
This is a nickel-plated Ladysmith nine Mary-Mary chrome inlay. Go on,
- feel that. - It's got a nice weight to it.
- Yeah, so do you, baby. - What?
- Oh, shit! - Oh, hold up... that's a cop car!
Get your ass off my car, Booty!
Come on!
Your ass is still on my car, Booty!
Run faster, Booty! Pump those arms! Get those knees up!
- Your form is all jacked up, dawg! - What you want, man?
- I want to buy some guns! - I don't know
- what you're talking about! - I'm talking about a telephone pole.
What?
Why do we have to do this every time?
It's these repetitive ass-whippings that cause guys like me
- to burn out on the job. - Du... ah-ha... ah!
Somebody wiped out our vault last night. Who was it?
- How the hell should I know? - I'm gonna check the front of my car.
If it smells like ass, I'm gonna beat you like a runaway slave.
No no, all right, all right, all right.
- All right what? - Maybe I heard something.
Tell me what you heard.
Something about a lot of merchandise in play. That's all.
Ooh. You know how I can tell you're lying?
I can smell the bullshit coming out of your mouth.
No, all right! Maybe I know one of the guys, huh?
Well, hook me up. Tell him you found a buyer.
Oh, man, he already got a buyer. You're too late.
Tell him I'll double his price. I can get 20 grand cash right now.
20 grand? Man, that'll only get you a taste, dawg.
A taste is all I need.
Hook me up. Now.
- $38.50. - That was very nice drive in, Mr., uh...
- is it Bedwetter? - Bedwe-teer.
I see you're from Turkey, Mr. Budweeder.
I've got $20, $40. There you go. Keep the change.
I was in Turkey recently, uh...
Santos, what's cracking, dawg?
- Yo, I need 20 grand. - Yeah, don't we all?
I need that in non-sequential unmarked bills, and I'm in a hurry.
I'm not your personal ATM, man.
Come on, Santos.
You know you're gonna give it up, so cut the bullshit.
Hey, I don't have that kind of cash down here right now.
Nuh-uh. See? You're lying. Now I personally logged a million in cash
into that vault right over there just last month
on a case we both know hasn't gone to trial yet,
so you're still holding.
What happened between us, Santos?
Where the love, dawg?
You realize it's my ass if you come up short again.
It's just flash money. I'll have it back this afternoon.
Come on, now go and get that.
I'll have the paperwork done by the time you get back.
All right, but I need that money back here by 4:00.
You can trust me, man.
Come on now. I'm in a hurry. Chop-chop.
Work that combination, baby.
Look, man, they'll give you a taste, then they'll tell you
where to bring the money. They don't want the goods and the cash
- in the same spot. - Booty, I do this for a living.
Look, I don't know these guys. They're from out of town.
What do you know, Booty?
This is the place, man. He'll give you a gun and a phone now
and call you later for the money.
Take the corner seat at the counter
and be carrying a "USA Today." A "USA Today," the newspaper.
Look, man, I did what you asked me to do. I'm done with this.
You better hurry up, man.
By this time tomorrow, the guns will be gone.
- You want a taste? - Pardon me?
- There's your taste. - That's my taste?
Wait for our call.
Hey!
What?
He's got a gun.
No no, this is not... No no no, it's not my gun.
It's the man that was sitting here he j... he just left.
Oh oh! He's got a gun, man!
It's going back in the bag. Back in the bag.
- Drop the gun! - Ah!
- Drop the gun! Now! - Yes.
- Yes, the gun's going down. - Drop it!
The gun is going down. Gun is down.
- Gun is down. - Just shut up.
All right. Ah!
You picked the wrong day to pull a stick-up, dickwad.
It's not my gun. Some guy gave it to me.
- What guy? - Some guy. He gave me a bag,
- and he said, "Taste it. Taste it." - He said what?
- Something about a taste. - Tell me what he said,
exactly word for word what he said.
He said, "That's your taste," but there was nothing to taste,
just a phone and a gun. Look, I just went in for a cof...
- Oh shit. They think you're me. - They think I'm black?
No, they don't think you're... A.T.F.
You're coming with me.
What? I have done nothing wrong!
- Well, Simon? - It's coming.
All right, I got him.
"Fiddler, Andy. Milwaukee, Wisconsin."
He's not federal, he's not local, no law enforcement.
- No sheet. He's clean. - Yeah, he's too clean.
- Screw him. - No, wait a minute.
"Istanbul, Turkey. Customs.
- Trafficking." - Turkey? He do any time?
- Interpol shows an outstanding warrant. - He got away from the Turks?
No shit. This guy's gotta be smarter than he looks, huh?
Well, he can't be any dumber than he looks.
So what's this guy look like?
Well, he, uh... he had very good teeth.
- What does he look like? - He looks good. He looks good.
He had a very nice face, very handsome face.
He was a very attractive man.
N... not to me.
Uh, I mean, I am married to a woman.
And even if I wasn't married,
I don't mean that kind of attractive. Personally,
- he was not attractive to me. - Describe him to me.
Short hair. Short hair
which made his head look smaller than it actually is,
and I only mention that because I've been told my head is somewhat large,
and when I looked over at his, it's like... you know when you look
through binoculars the wrong way, it-it-it looks...
That's you. Answer it!
Hello.
- Turk. - Just a moment, please.
- Can you believe this? - He wants to talk to the Turk.
- That's you. - That's me?
- That's you. - I'm the Turk?
Look at you.
This is the Turk.
Okay, listen, Turk. When this phone rings, you answer it.
- You understand? - Yes, I answer it.
- You and you alone. Are we clear? - Me and me alone, right.
Great. Now listen, you put the package in the trash can
on the northwest corner of Fort and Woodward in five minutes.
- Hello. - So what did he say?
Something about a package and a trash can.
Look, I have nothing to do with this. I'm here for a convention.
I don't give a shit.
Now what trash can?
Fort and Woodward.
Whoa!
Take this package, put it in that trash can,
and you can go.
I should point out to you, sir,
that I am taking a mental picture of you
just in case there's...
any... trouble.
Hey, you know what? Th-this... this is not for you.
Who's it for?
Well, it's... it's, uh, for somebody else.
- Who? - Just someone.
- Someone you don't know. - Try me.
No, I'm not trying you. This is not garbage, okay?
This is business,
so just please don't touch it.
All right, give me the bag.
- Give me the bag. - Oh, Jesus.
It's not your bag. See what he's doing?
- He took my bag. - Who is this guy?
- This bag is mine! It's not his. - Damn!
Okay okay. What is the matter with you?
- Just let me go. All right. - Get up. Get up!
- Get in the car. Get in the car! - I think we should...
We should look for another can.
What the hell is the matter with you?
I ask you to do one thing, and you screw it up.
- Hello. - What the hell's the matter with you?
I ask you to do one thing, and you screw it up.
Yes, well, this was not planned well.
No no, listen, Turk. You know what?
You just bring the package to First and Bagley
and wait there.
So what did he say now?
Hey, get back here!
Excuse me.
Now you pay.
Get off my car!
Get down! Oh man, he's got a gun! Ah!
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh, boy! Oh!
Ah! Ah! Ow ow ow ow!
9-1-1. What's your emergency?
- Yes, hello, I've been shot. - Can you give me a location?
- I don't know. Downtown. - Where downtown, sir?
A man in a black car kidnapped me.
Do you have a license plate number?
Yes, just give me a second.
"347DNB." Hurry.
I just called 9-1-1,
- and you are in serious trouble. - Get up.
- You shot me. - I grazed you.
Well, that's still shooting me!
- Watch your ass. - Ow ow ow ow!
You could have killed me back there.
If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead.
I wanted to graze you, you're grazed. It was a training bullet.
Well, I'm bleeding, although you might call it "training blood."
Here, use this.
Taco sauce?
Yes, it's a natural antiseptic.
Sprinkle some of that on your ass so you don't get an infection.
Yeah, well, I don't even wanna know how you discovered that.
So what, you keep this in your glove compartment and just
splash it on a salami sandwich and then splash some on your behind?
Use it or don't use it. It's your ass.
You got any guacamole in there? I hear it makes a great cold compress.
- Just put it back! - All right, I'll use it. I'll use it.
Don't you have traffic to look at?
Oh, shit. You gotta be kidding me.
Get out of the vehicle with your hands in the air!
Get out of the car and show me your hands!
Turn around! Hands on your head!
- No no no no no, I'm not with him. - Your hands!
I don't know him! He just...
he... he... he kidnapped me.
He took me against my will.
He... look. You see?
He wanted to put taco sauce on my butt.
The guy is nuts.
Nuts.
- Hands! - Run my plates!
You! Back in the car.
- Your hands! - You wanna see my hands?
Here.
Federal agent. Run my plates!
- The car is federal, sir. A.T.F. - That's right.
Federal agent.
Federal prisoner. Back in the car!
You are interfering with a federal investigation.
Move your asses!
That was fun.
Give this to him and walk away.
Hey. If you try to run this time,
I'm gonna put a bullet in part of the ass you really need.
Ooh-ooh! Oh!
So you like the merch?
- The merch? - The merch.
Well, you know, there are days
that I like it and days that I don't.
It depends. I'm on the fence.
- Do you like the merchandise, Turk? - Yes, I do...
like the merchandise.
I, uh... thanks for asking.
So there's gonna be 20 grand in there, right?
In the bag. Come on.
Good.
Good first step. We'll be in touch.
And, uh, one more thing, Turk...
No more fruitcake stuff, okay?
- Sure. - Good. Goodbye.
Get in the car.
- Why? - I'm not done with you yet.
- You said I was done. - I lied. I do that.
- Now get up. Get in the car. - No.
Get up!
Hey... don't make me chase you.
I'm tell...
- Hey! - Stop!
Stop! Help me!
- Hey! - Help!
You're under arrest. Hands on the car.
On the car!
Who the hell is this guy?
Run that.
He's international.
- Ow! - Watch your head.
Okay, that's it. I am writing a letter.
- Number 3. - Number 3.
Three, step forward. Three, that's you.
- That's him. - You sure?
I'll never forget that face.
- All right, thank you. You can go. - Excuse me.
I'd like to speak to whoever's in charge, please.
All right, number 3, stay. The rest can go.
Thank you.
Boy, sometimes you just have to speak up.
- Are you in charge here? - Yes, I am.
Oh, boy, have I been waiting to talk to you.
- Really? - My name is Andy Fiddler.
I'm in dental supply sales, and believe you me,
I never thought I'd be standing here in a police station
- with a bullet wound in the keister. - Hmm.
But I am extremely upset with this man here,
and I must confess with your whole operation in general,
because quite frankly, I have nothing to do with any of this.
Well, that's not what it looks like, Mr. Keister.
The weapon you used in the diner,
stolen from A.T.F.'s vault.
The gun you're robbing the cashier with.
Oh, no no no no. No no, there's no robbing.
I'm not robbing. You see, although I can certainly see
how you'd get that impression.
We also got a red notice from Interpol when we ran your name.
There's an outstanding warrant for your arrest.
- What? - Istanbul, Turkey ring any bells?
Oh. Oh, yes.
It does ring some bells,
and believe it or not, there is a perfectly reasonable explanation
for that, and you will find it very funny,
- 'cause it's quite a story. - Tell it on the way.
- Place your left hand here. - So I took the family to Europe
in the summer of '98, and one of our stops was Istanbul, in Turkey...
a must-see if you've never been.
- Anyhoo, my wife has this thing about... - Yo, Vann, phone call.
...Persian rugs. Okay, I'm not a complainer,
but that officer was very abusive.
I mean, not only was he physically violent,
but... but more disturbing to me, he... he was just rude.
- Vann. - Your daughter wants to know
if you're coming to her recital tonight.
Oh you know, I can't.
Uh, I'm in the middle of something right now.
Um, I gotta go. Would you tell her for me?
You need to tell her.
So when we got back to the hotel,
we discovered the rug is too big for the suitcase.
So we decided to leave the rug at the hotel
to be sent to us when we got back home.
Turn right.
So we finally get home, but we never got the rug.
Long story short, we get a letter from the hotel
that said the rug had been seized at Customs.
Now evidently this rug had been stolen.
It was a 1,000-year-old prayer rug,
and... and it was stolen, but how was I to know?
I didn't know, and I'm the one that's out $230.
Yeah, it was all very innocent, as I'm sure
- you can now understand. - I see.
- Lock him up. - What?
- Let's go. - What?
- Let's go. - Get him out of here!
What? Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
- This way. - I have done nothing wrong!
- Come on. Move it. - I have... I... I...
I haven't... I haven't done anything!
Yo, this is the number to this phone.
I want you to put a trace on it.
I want the owner and an address. Call me when you got it.
Okay.
Lieu, you looking for me?
Explain the Wisconsin kid.
I set up a buy with the bad guys, he got in the middle of it,
- now they think he's me. - So you're telling me
- the guns are still in play. - Yeah.
- How do you know this isn't a setup? - With this guy?
- Yeah, with this guy. - Not with this guy.
Okay, where is he?
He's in holding, and he's gonna stay there.
Yes, Ma'am.
Shit. They ate him already.
Caucasian gentlemen. Big glasses.
Oh yeah, didn't have the heart to put him in there.
Ah-ah!
Thank you.
- Come on. - So, am I free to go now?
Go? Oh, hell no. They're fixing a shit sandwich upstairs,
and you're the mayonnaise.
Possession of a stolen weapon,
armed robbery and the Turkish government wants
to have a little chat with you before we're done.
Okay, I want to talk to an attorney.
I get one phone call, and I want to call an attorney.
Let me lay your options out for you here...
You can come with me as a Suspect Who's Cooperating,
or you can stay here and get married tonight.
- So what's it gonna be? - Okay, just so we're clear...
I am not choosing to go with you.
I'm choosing not to stay with them.
- Uh-huh. - Okay.
Lag escort, first-time session.
Hang on.
This is one screwed up crew.
All right, just so there's no confusion, here's the deal...
You're in my world now, not yours.
And in my world, your responsibilities begin and end with me.
And what would those responsibilities be?
Well, these guys think you wanna buy guns from them.
I need you to meet 'em one more time and set up a buy,
- so I can bust their ass. - Okay, I am developing a slight phobia
about meeting these guys. The whole meeting thing, quite frankly,
is getting irritating. I have to be honest.
Look, I have done everything you've asked me to do.
Why can't I go?
What does any of this have to do with me?
Because every time these guys meet somebody new,
they're on the lookout for the Man.
And you most certainly do not look like the Man.
Oh, I don't look like the Man.
Well, thank you, because that clears up absolutely nothing.
Who... who is the Man?
The heat, the pig, the po-po, 5-0,
the undercover agent that's gonna bust their ass.
You're such a white bread son of a bitch, these assholes trust you.
Well, you know, people do trust me.
- That's not a compliment, shit stain. - Okay, you know what?
Why do you swear so much? Do you think it makes you sound tougher
when you just swear all the time?
- Fuck you. - Okay, that's good. That's really good.
Really classy. You know, I could go around all day saying,
"F-U. F this and F that
and F-ing this, you mother-F-er."
But I don't because there has to be some civility in the world.
Incidentally, there is a trick you can use to curb that habit.
Every time you feel like saying the "F" word, just go ahead and say it,
and then add, "Crying out loud."
Fuck crying out loud.
And before you know it, you're saying, "Oh, for crying out loud."
Let's see here.
- Oh, boy. Well... - You did make her a promise.
You always break your promises to her.
You want your daughter growing up like you, not trusting anybody?
- That's not the point. - It's exactly the point.
No, it's not.
You promised her you'd be at her recital tonight.
Something came up.
You know, my little girl's a ballerina too, and she's exactly your age.
- Really? - Yeah,
I help her with her pirouettes all the time.
That's not what this is about.
This is about you not wanting to go
- because her stepdad's gonna be there. - Oh.
Is he dancing tonight, too?
And with the right feet positioning...
there you go, okay. Well!
Yeah, that's good.
Daddy, can Andy come with you tonight?
Um...
Look, honey...
Daddy can't come tonight. I'm sorry.
But I promise I will be there next time. I swear.
I'm gonna make it up to you.
Oh, fuck... crying out loud.
Hold on.
Look, Daddy's gotta go, okay?
Go ahead. Goodbye.
It was very nice meeting you, Kate.
- You too. - So what you got?
- The owner of that phone? - Yeah.
- It's Cortez. Manny Cortez. - Who?
- Katie. - Thanks.
Come inside, sweetheart.
Hang on.
Cortez's is back elevator, second floor.
Oh, shit.
- Don't get up. - You scared me, man.
What are you still doing here, Cortez?
You were supposed to meet us at the warehouse over three hours ago.
Do you mind? I'm, uh...
I'm in the middle of something here.
I truly don't care.
Hey, look. There's too much heat on those guns, all right?
I mean, you killed a cop. That was not in the deal.
Yeah, well, he became a problem.
Listen, we got the merchandise.
You need to pay us for it.
I'm out, all right?
- I cannot do shit with those guns. - You know what, Cortez?
That's your problem. You got the money or not?
Find another buyer, all right?
And you know what? I suggest you get out of town
as quickly as possible.
Hey. Yo. Close the door on your way out.
Sure.
Well, I guess that just leaves the Turk.
I guess so.
Well, you've got a very nice family.
You've just got a wonderful daughter
- and a lovely wife. - Ex-wife.
Ex-wife, yes, well, she seems like a very nice person.
- Yeah. - Yeah, so... so...
so it just didn't work out, huh?
Well, whatever.
- Would you like to see my family? - No!
Well, I would like to see my family.
This is my oldest... Hannah, she's 12.
I'm trying to get her interested in the dental equipment game,
but I guess at that age, you know, it's just not cool yet.
This is my little ballerina right here.
And this is my wife Susan, holding our newest addition... Emily.
Just turned 2. Already talking a mile a minute.
Just talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk
talk talk talk. A regular little chatterbox.
- I wonder who she got that from. - I think she got it from me.
- You think? - Oh...
Well, I am, uh... I'm sorry about your... situation.
What situation would that be?
Well, you've got people who love you,
and yet you seem like a very sad and lonely man.
- I'm not lonely. - Well, I think you're lonely.
- I'm not lonely. - Fine, you're not lonely. You're alone.
Yes, I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.
It's two different things.
Does the expression "No man is an island" ring any bells?
Does the expression "Shut your ass up" ring any bells?
What now?
I have to go visit a friend of mine.
- Can I go with you? - No.
Oh, well, I would really like to go with you.
Look, everybody in this neighborhood knows my ride.
- Nobody messes with it. - Okay.
- # Big booty bitches, well... # - Oh!
# Like to dutch, another one bites the dust... #
Cortez.
Manny, where you at?
You hiding under the bed again?
Woo! Manny.
- A.T.F. - Yeah, this is Vann.
Would you send a bag wagon over to Manny Cortez's place?
- The gun dealer? - Yeah, he took the deluxe cruise
up shit's creek...
compliments of a.45 to the chest.
No.
Hey! Hey!
Good afternoon. Out of the car.
- Oh! Oh! Oh-ah! - Whoa! What are you doing?
Ooh.
- Oh! - Hey!
This was not a good idea.
Oh boy! Oh!
Oh!
Drives pretty good.
You idiot! Moron!
Well, you left the keys in the ignition.
Not the smartest thing to do for a policeman.
This would be a good time for you to be quiet.
I know that's nearly impossible for you,
but if I hear the sound of your voice right now,
I can't be responsible for my actions.
So this would be a very good time for you to shut up!
I have a small question.
I still have a question, and I think I'm entitled...
What?
Do you have a plan?
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.
Just a little constructive criticism, okay?
That's how two people working together help ea...
Whoa whoa whoa whoa! We're not working together,